I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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