Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
