i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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