you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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