Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
