woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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