Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
