The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
