She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
