I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
