Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
