Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You left your phone here
Wait...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
