ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize