Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
