some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
