I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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