I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
