I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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