i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
