So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
