Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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