He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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