There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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