We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize