Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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