I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
