i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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