I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
