party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
