So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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