Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
So many bounce houses so little time
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
