I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
