i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
