I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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