I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
