is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
