so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
