sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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