I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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