I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
