My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
