I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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