I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i need some magic done to my vagina
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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