Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize