So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
