when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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