i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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