You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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