I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
