My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
