i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
