I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
we're so committed to being not committed
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize