I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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