I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
