so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
