i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
