i would one night stand the shit outta him
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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