And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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