If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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