Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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