just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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